About Me

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Lyndonville, Vermont, United States
Hi there and welcome to my blog. I am a married 60 year old woman who still has the mind of a twenty year old. I have three children and two grandsons. I've been to hell and back each time stronger than the time before. If I can help you then it was all worth it.

Monday, September 30, 2019

Red Flags & Regrets #Child Abuse#Domestic Abuse#Regrets

A Red Flag (idiom), a metaphor for something signaling a problem. I was sitting here going through my Instagram which I never do posting what was most prevalent to me. Which got me thinking about how I grew up. The abusive men involved. I mean what do you do first off as a mother? Or a wife and mother? In my early childhood the most important man in my life, my father, showed his private part to me, masturbating. Later on, I figured out this wasn't a normal action a father would do with his daughter. It was our secret. He was my father. Should my mother have kept me from being alone with him? What if I had told her what had happened. My father would have been furious with me denying it? Would my mother have believed me, blamed me? My mother as far as I know for she has passed this life, will never know for I never told her. What if she had believed me? What path would that truth have taken us? No more yelling, screaming, fighting in my daily life? Or would my life had taken a worse turn? After that action my father did in front of me he never ever did anything like that again. Puzzling. When I had children of my own I tried to shield my daughter and son from the perverts of the world. I found out later that a friend's son had played "doctor" with my daughter when she was four or five. Should you never have mixed-gender sleepovers? There really is no answer to this problem unless you never ever give an opportunity of abuse keeping your child shielded at home. I wrote a post here #Papa#Don't#Touch earlier.

Then we come to my Step Uncle. Same question. Now my mother and her Aunt Betty, I called her Aunt Betty as well. She has passed as well as far as I know. I have been out of touch with my family for over 35 years now. Should my mother had not let me spend the week-ends over there? Should my Aunt has not left me alone with an alcoholic Step Uncle who looked at porn magazines which both my mother and Aunt knew about. This was in another blog #Stolen#Childhood. I don't blame either my mother or my Aunt. My father and my Uncle were to blame. Call it the luck of the draw this happening all before I was even a teenager. When the truth finally did come out when I had my own daughter all hell broke loose but I didn't care. So be it. So you have the most important men in your life stealing your childhood.

Shaking that off you begin dating. You are aware of the pleasures of sexual encounters although still a virgin. I resisted my "first love." Good thing for he dumped me getting his next girlfriend pregnant. The second boyfriend, I discover the joys of intercourse. Again I get dumped now this is a different sort of pain by betrayal. I was betrayed by a lie. I jump to the next guy what is called rebounding to cover up that particular searing pain months later getting married without getting to first off, knowing him. Or getting to know his parents. I didn't even give myself a chance to see any red flags flying although knowing me I would have ignored them. I didn't realize I was Empath feeling emotions a hundred times more emotionally speaking. Plus feeling someone else's feelings were confusing. I was also raised, blue-collar middle class. My first husband was neither of those things. Their diffently was the perk of working on a Sportfishing boat. Was it worth the sheer hell of trying to survive those 3 years with him until I finally had enough? Who knows?

Guy after guy I seemed to pick the wrong type of man. The kind who thought it was okay to hit a woman. You read or watch T.V. when a woman goes to jail because she finally snaps striking back at her abuser. I seemed to be on a rollercoaster of men who all thought alike. It became my life. The red flag here is when I met a man, I was the happy freedom, the people-loving woman that attracted them to me. I treated almost everyone the same both genders. The guy I would be with didn't like that trying to smother that very part of me that they originally wanted to be with me. Now I had a child but they didn't care to hurt the mother of a child. Even if you started the argument, threw things, or even hit them men are stronger, have a longer reach and can just walk away. I guess it was more fun to righteously blacken a woman's eye. Or make her so sore she had trouble when her child came back from her weekend visit from her grandparents. Again why did I leave my child in the childhood hell I grew up in? I thought that what happened only applied to me. When asking my little daughter what she did over the weekend it sounded okay.

Then I meet a junkie discovering the junkie world. Now I have again hit rock bottom. I have asked myself how could I have avoided the crap I went through? Who knows. My home life was shit. And evidently shit was all I knew. I would get lonely, the thrill of a new relationship was like a drug to me. Again I had to fight to get out of that life. The only 'normal' lifestyle I had to go by was my growing up minus my Step Uncles abuse.

Then I meet a man that when over at his house he was sharing with a woman who was invited to live there because she had an abusive husband socked her in the eye blacking it. I guess I wasn't the only fool in town I was discovering. Listening to his talk about how he didn't care if he hit a woman even his own stepmother I ignored. Huge red flag here. Of course, that didn't apply to me. Wrong!!! Today I have a displaced disk from landing on my butt over the years I was in that relationship. Which eventually led to my losing my daughter. That was something you only read about happened to me. Not only the physical abuse I was constantly invited to indulge in sexual pleasures with friends. I tried because I loved this man but couldn't go through with it. It made me feel dirty. This relationship was a hard cruel road. The perks, crossing country seeing new sights, meeting new people.

After off again on again that relationship was finally over. Through fate which I will post about later on, I meet another man who had a heart attack and died. I met him, he was so infatuated with me I hooked up with him having to have financial help figuring what could possibly go wrong if he loved me I was safe not loving him. Wrong again. The fighting was worse with this one. Broken fingers, more back injuries, we would break up makeup there is definitely a pattern here. I was used to domestic abuse by this point. Mix in alcohol which was in all my relationships would escalate situations. I probably would have never gotten away from this man but one day the police came taking him away. He was accused of child abuse. I had come full circle.

After another really horrible relationship full of alcohol this guy not only was a physical abuser he was also mentally abusive. I had been warned by friends how he was a Dr. Jeckle & Mr. Hyde sort of evil man but did I listen. After all, I had been through again I thought not me of course. I remember I tried to keep all my bills down as low as I could. I was a big one for turning off lights. I had come home the next night after fleeing to a friends house the block over from where I lived. Every single light was turned on in my apartment. I had a cellar and an attic. It was a big place. Not only were the lights all turned on they had all been replaced with 100-watt bulbs. My neighbors must have thought I was crazy. Crap like that went on in this sick relationship. It seemed I traded one sick action for another or all of them at once. I couldn't seem to get it straight. I finally got away from this guy.

I decided I finally had enough. I stayed single for 2 years never being happier. I stopped drinking, smoking both pot and cigarettes. No more one night stands, no more fighting or crying either. I was an asshole magnet trying not to be. After 2 years I met my now husband online. He actually lived 3 blocks away from where I lived. Wow. We chatted online for that summer meeting after. What impressed me he wasn't dirty or suggestive making me laugh. He had his baggage from his previous wife. Between us, we had a lot of baggage. We argued at first having very loud arguments. But we stuck with it. We only argue here and there but not loudly. He's always nice to me, he has had his moments of course, but basically, we get along cracking up at whatever.  He's loyal there are no affairs or pleas to have threesomes or any other kind of weird sexual behaviors. Most importantly he has never laid a hand on me. I met him in my 40's wishing I had known him and his family way before that. I'm finally safe.

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