About Me

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Lyndonville, Vermont, United States
Hi there and welcome to my blog. I am a married 60 year old woman who still has the mind of a twenty year old. I have three children and two grandsons. I've been to hell and back each time stronger than the time before. If I can help you then it was all worth it.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

My First Born Amy #Regrets#BadChoices#LosingAChild

 I remember a blonde headed free-spirited, laughing beautiful child of four.  I remember her face looking out the back window of my mother's VW waving goodbye. It's a gut-wrenching memory that still hurts to this day. That memory still makes me cry which is what I am ready to do now. Even though I have some awesome memories of places I've been I would trade it all to have been able to raise my child. I am 60 years old now. November I will be 61.  In the hopes of growing 'gracefully' older, my age doesn't seem 'that' old. As far as missing a piece of your soul and heart, it's a lifetime. 

I haven't seen or heard except when she was sixteen in two letters from my first-born child Amy. In her letters, she told me she wanted to change her name to Cindy. Over the years the truth of what happened slowly filtered through all the lies I had been told. I know my mother had a mental illness. I still thought Amy would be safe with her because she wasn't me. Up until my father stopped talking to me for I dared to ask why he masturbated in front of me as a child I found out a few things that had puzzled me over the years. My mother had hidden the fact that I had left a medical permission form and the fact that my mother was taking Amy until I got settled form. Told the Department Of Human Resources I was in Colorado. 

During this time I was trying to get permission to get her back the feelings of guilt, anguish, anger consumed me. I buried it in work and partying with my friends. The pain was only temporarily erased an intense hangover was the replacement. Each rejection of having Amy placed with me was such intense pain I thought my heart would explode. I couldn't go back. My mother was mentally unstable. Not to mention my life would have been in danger as well. It was a horrible feeling.

My father had been having an off and on again affair with the woman of his friend who lived down the street. I was pretty much in the dark about that detail my whole teenage and early adult life. I was told my mother had thrown a hammer over my daughter's head at my father is why he called Human Services. It was a fight that I would never win even if I had kept trying. I explained that in a previous post HERE. I remember one phone call I made when I was pregnant with my son. She told me she had some gum and was saving some for me which made me break out into tears. I'm here to tell you there is no greater pain than to lose a child. None. I'm hoping and praying whoever is reading this will swallow that impulse to take care of your own needs instead of your child's. Listen to your gut. If it feels wrong it is.
While living in Maine I truely forget how and why I was able to get in touch with Amy as a teenager. I had two letters from her but they got destroyed by an angry vengeful abusive boyfriend. I had a job, now Amy had two little half-siblings. I had a huge apartment. I stayed there for 21 years in the hopes that either my parents, brother or Amy could find me. That never happened. I'm in Vermont now but I miss the heck out of Maine. Especially the beaches. 

With the help of others, I managed to track her down as an adult hopes held high and with excitement and anticipation, also fear of rejection. I tried the two numbers that I had obtained. Both phones rang and rang and rang, you get the message. I tried for a month finally giving up muttering doesn't everyone on earth has some kind of answering machine? I have her Social Security number but even with that, I hit a dead-in. She is now 39. It is Sept of 2019. Her birthday is on July 21st, 1980.  In my mind, she is still this sweet blonde haired happy child that joyfully played and ran around. 

I have often laid in bed beating myself up for the choices I made that led me up to losing touch with my daughter often crying myself to sleep. I had gone to counseling for several years. It will be regret and heartache that will never go away. 
I managed to find my brother after thirty-five years through Facebook. We talked on the phone for hours. He had no idea where she was telling me she looked a lot like me. Where ever you are I love you honey and hope someday you and I will be in touch with each other again. Nothing will ever erase the pain of missing out on raising your child because of mistakes in choices that you make or made.  I have tried to find her all the while my heart beating wildly at the thought she may not want me to find her. I have hit dead-end after dead-end but maybe someday. I have never stopped loving you Amy Rebeckah, I think about you every day, and I will never stop looking for you. 

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